Vanessa Lana Gonzalez: Stepping into my power through breast cancer
DISCOVERING MY BREAST CANCER LUMP
I was frozen with fear when I discovered my lump. Like many Americans I did not have health insurance. Working as a professional chef meant back-breaking work with no insurance for almost 10 years. To this day, I always say Planned Parenthood helped save my life. They were able to provide me with resources for free mammograms for women over the age of 40 or with a family history. At that time, I was 38 years old with a family history of cancer on both sides.
I sat with the lump in my right breast for over a month before reaching out to the Women’s Center at Northridge Hospital. I went through three weeks of several mammograms, and an ultrasound before finally having a biopsy.
ANXIETY AND EMOTIONS BEFORE MY CANCER DIAGNOSIS
The anxiety I endured during the week I had to wait for my biopsy results was something I’ve never experienced before. It was like someone stomped on my chest and put all their weight into it. I could barely breath most days and very quickly went into survival mode that would last all throughout active treatments. Sometimes I can't even remember how I was feeling in the time between my biopsy and my surgery.
As a cancer survivor, we learn very quickly how to dissociate from these moments of stress. Sitting down to write this blog brought about those memories that I thought I’d forgotten. Reliving these experiences in my head has been slightly triggering but has also helped my continued healing.
THE CHOICE TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE
When I think about my experience with cancer it feels overwhelming, isolating and beautiful all at once.
I get asked “how did you get through active treatments?” It's simple, either you choose to live or die.
I made the decision to fight for my life the minute I heard “you have breast cancer.” On April 8, 2021 I was diagnosed with stage 2b invasive ductal carcinoma, ER/PR + and HER-.
Discovering the lump in my right breast felt like the “icing on the cake” after a year where my fiance and I broke up, COVID hit and I lost my job. I am thankful that my mind and body connection was strong even before cancer.
SUPPORTING MY MIND AND BODY THROUGH BREAST CANCER TREATMENT
During this difficult time, I gathered and sharpened all the tools I had learned including breathwork, meditation, mindfulness, and learning how to use cannabis and microdosing psilocybin as medicine. All of these tools set a foundation to be able to support my mind and body through active treatment. I had practice advocating for myself as I navigated hypothyroidism for many years before cancer. This mind/body connection is what got me through chemo and radiation “well” compared to others because I decided from the beginning I was going to seek alternative/ holistic care to help with the side effects.
MASTECTOMY AND MY AESTHETIC FLAT CLOSURE
On May 28, 2021 I had a bilateral mastectomy with removal of 10 axillary lymph nodes where 3 tested positive for cancer.
My decision about surgery was already decided as I was waiting for my initial biopsy results. I remember having a conversation to myself about what I wanted to do and my answer was very clear.
That was the beginning of my journey on how to quiet the noise around me and really listen to my gut/intuition. My entire life I gave too much weight to others opinions and thoughts rather than making the time to think about what is best for me. That ended quickly with cancer.
GRIEF AND GIVING LIFE TO MY IDENTITY
Many things ended quickly with cancer and that's what we as cancer survivors have to deal with on a daily basis. I grieved the person I used to be, I grieved the ways in which I viewed myself and grieved the parts of me that no longer served my wellbeing.
For fear of recurrence in my left breast I decided to go flat. I didn't tell many, if none, that a year prior to being diagnosed I had thought about having top surgery/gender-affirming surgery.
It was a scary thing to process and I was not mentally ready for such a big life shift that I wasn’t 100% sure of. Once again I didn't allow myself to sit down and intuitively figure out what was aligned for me.
My gender and how I viewed myself wasn’t something I thought about regularly.
But cancer has this ability to bring everything to the surface whether you have dealt with it or not. It smacks you in the face of all your insecurities, self doubts and past traumas. Part of my healing was nurturing and listening to my inner child. The part of us that is innocent, brutally honest and our true self at the core.
I feel grateful that I didn't have to grieve the loss of my breasts because I never felt connected to them or felt like they defined me or my femininity. I felt amazing without them. I can remember vividly how I felt when I was able to finally raise my arms over my head after surgery to put a t-shirt on. The shirt looked differently, it sat differently on my body and I felt this sense of confidence I hadn't felt in a decade.
FREEDOM IN FLATNESS
There was a freedom I hadn't felt before, almost like I gave myself permission to be my true self. Something I yearned for growing up because I repressed who I was for so long in fear of rejection and what others thought.
I broke free from any expectations of who I should be or look like. It gave me the confidence to really start questioning “who am I and who do I want to be? How can I use this new, transformed love for myself to create more compassion and joy in the world?”
I was given another chance to start over in the way that I wanted and not how I was expected to be. What a gift and blessing that I was able to receive this out of such a shitty circumstance. Not a day goes by that I do not take this for granted.
Through this I was able to confidently say that I identify as a queer non-binary Latinx.
I love my chest and I wouldn’t change anything about it, even if I dont have nipples! I never realized that I was my own healer and that all the validation I was seeking from others could be found within myself.
MY INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL SHIFTS DURING BREAST CANCER TREATMENT
Sometimes the closest people to you can feel so far away during this process. Cancer does that and it can completely dismantle so many of your relationships because you are constantly changing and morphing into a new person. Once again more grieving and letting go. At times I couldn't keep up with myself and how quickly I was shedding my skin. When we make these big shifts on the inside, many times it takes your external world time to catch up. I call that purgatory, a place I’ve become more and more comfortable with. Making the decision to go flat was part of that journey. Shedding of skin into my true self was one of the beautiful gifts this disease has uncovered for me.
SUPPORTIVE SURGEONS
This could have not happened if I didn't have full support from my surgeons. I had such a positive experience with both of my surgeons that were women. I went into that first surgery appointment ready to defend any and all decisions I had already made. I knew I might receive backlash regarding going flat. But only I knew what was best for me and my body. They were impressed how well I communicated what I wanted, respected it and even asked what my pronouns were to include in my chart. I had never felt such support from doctors ever before. I was able to have direct communication with my surgeon as she provided me with her personal cell phone number. For many others this isn't the case and more so an extremely traumatizing experience. Learning how to be your own advocate in a process like cancer is everything.
LETTING GO, LEANING IN
Cancer for me has been a process of releasing the old and ugly stuck emotions that have resided in me since I can remember. Feelings of self doubt, unworthiness, anger and generational trauma. As I continued to release, I found myself unveiling and coming back to the core of who I really am.
It has been the best and worst thing that I have ever experienced. Just like art, cancer holds the power of duality.
Learning to accept our mortality but live everyday as present as possible, to grieve but hold immense joy and love because those are the purest emotions we can feel. As a cancer survivor, I was not taught how to navigate life after treatments which has proven to be the most difficult part of this disease. There were days I would wake up feeling overwhelmed for no reason or if I had more than one thing to do that day. I was basically thrown into the real world without the training wheels and expected to jump back into life as if nothing extremely traumatizing had happened just because I looked “good” on the outside.
On top of that, there were times I was made to feel like I took up too much space for expressing how hard it can be. Those who have not been through this do not understand that this is an everyday struggle for survivors as we deal with anxiety, depression, medication side effects, more infusions, scans and possible recurrence.
Photo by @melfids
THE HEALING POWER OF ART
I used art as a form of healing. Art was a huge part of my life as a child. It was my escape because even as a young child I knew I was different, I knew I was queer. Art was a way to express my emotions and feelings that I was told to repress over and over again. I loved to draw and paint and get lost in whatever world I was creating. I continued in high school to take art classes but lost that passion in college. Soon after college, my art became dancing. My parents met dancing in a club in Manhattan, undoubtedly it's in my blood.
Since I could walk, I danced. At the age of 14, I experienced my very first queer club. Since the 70s & 80s, clubs in NYC and Chicago were places for queer people of color to commune and be themselves. I felt at home here for many years and in many ways still do.
But as I got older my body couldn't handle it anymore and I sought out my creative side through cooking. Cooking became my passion for 10 years until I was diagnosed. But when I was diagnosed I knew I had to leave the restaurant world because it was slowly killing me mentally and physically. When COVID hit and the world shut down in 2020, I discovered another form of art to continue expressing myself and that was through collaging.
It happened by mistake, like how many great things start.
I initially was attempting to create a mood board with an old coworker but it soon turned into a thing that I did as the world was in complete chaos. This was my way of dealing with the chaos that was happening all around me. I was going through a huge break up, the political climate was extremely volatile, and there was a health epidemic happening.
I have always found art as a way to express the unexpressed, to say the things that weren’t said and to evoke emotions that I didn't know I had.
I used collaging as a means to release anxiety that I was feeling about the uncertainty I was feeling. It helped heal my creative inner child that so desperately longed for compassion and understanding.It helped to release.
Although collaging at times took a pause during treatment, my creativity exploded after chemo and radiation. I was able to drop back into my mind and body to help process what I just went through. Some of my best collages were made during the year of healing after active treatments. I was so disassociated during treatments it was very difficult to connect with my creative side at times.
Now I view collaging as a healthy way of dissociating from everyday life–it’s my medicine. We all need these outlets, we all need these creative processes to nurture who we are at the core.
Without art we can not be challenged to seek the truth of who we really are.
Photo by @nikkrichphoto
VANESSA LANA GONZALEZ
CONTRIBUTOR
Vanessa Lana Gonzalez is a queer, non binary, Latinx that was born and raised in New York. They graduated from the University of Scranton with a bachelors in Counseling and Human Services and spent 10 years in the non profit/ case worker sector. In 2012 they decided to change course and attend The Natural Gourmet Institute culinary school in Manhattan. They continued to cook for a decade in NYC and LA until they were diagnosed with breast cancer in 2021.
What gives them joy is art,cooking for friends, dancing to house music, nature, hiking with their majestic dog Tito, yoga, movement, traveling and plant medicine. They recently completed a breathwork activation training, and are looking forward to providing healing and support for those in the cancer and LGBTQ+ community. Vanessa currently lives in LA with their dog Tito and many plants.
SHARE THIS BLOG
Opinions expressed by the identified author in this blog post are their own and may not represent the views of the Keep A Breast Foundation or its management. Information found on the KAB website is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. You are advised to consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you are seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.
READ MORE:
