A Little Off the Sides
CHAPTER 4
From the time I was young, I knew I was a girl, or as I call myself now, a womn (spelled that way because it feels right to me).
And I realized I was a girl attracted to my girl friends. I started to get really confused. I liked being a girl. Boys were to hang out with, to play sports with, to make music with, or build forts. I liked being a tomboy. I didn’t like how my body changed as I got older–puberty, etc. Between family stuff, queer attraction, and other stressors, I was eating to self-sooth.
My weight and boob size fluctuated and it was an uncomfortable ride. But again, not once had I ever even thought about or considered doing anything about my boobs.
They just got unwieldy as I got older…and freaking annoying.
Try as I might to love my body as my life unfolded, I aged and my body changed, and changed…and changed.
My boobs changed, and changed, and changed. I tried a lot of looks and vibes as I aged to fit in and be stylish and look good, but it often felt like a costume.
I couldn’t control the weight, its dispersion, and how it made me feel about myself, my body, my clothes, or my expression in the world. I couldn’t control my genes and I didn’t want what my mom had.
I also did not want curves and femininity and voluptuousness and woo, woo, woo…I just wanted to be comfortable and I was NOT COMFORTABLE in a feminine body most of the time. Though sometimes I was. I’m a Gemini. That’s how it goes.
Back to cancer.
I was already massively overweight and then I gained more weight with the steroids I had to take for chemo...topping out at about 182 pounds (and I’m not tall).
I knew I needed a bit of touching up on the sides of my body. There were flaps of leftover skin from the cancer surgery when they took my breasts, all the tissue, and a couple of lymph nodes! I contacted the plastic surgeon who had drawn my lines to ask her to touch me up. She was and is amazing.
The most incredible thing happened thanks to cancer. I am more comfortable today in my body than I have ever been. I’ll be 60 this year. I have more energy than when I was half my age. I’m light and supple and flexible and strong. I can bend down with ease, get up with ease, bop around like a freaking gymnast compared to the way my body wobbled in different directions (particularly when naked). The weight, anchor, burden, prison, lovely boobies were gone and I was SO happy.
It’s the only thing that kept me going for what came next.
My wife returned to her country to see the family. She left with a ticket to come back in six weeks. I envisioned my last cancer treatment as a gesture of my love and happiness at our finally being through four years of being apart because of immigration issues and now together and past it all–married, cancer done and dusted.
I get a phone call that says she’s not coming back.
That’s basically the end of the story. She didn’t come back. She ghosted me in January 2021. I divorced her and thankfully just found out it's all done. She’s not my person anymore.
I am grateful for the people who loved and supported me through my wife leaving me in the desert after cancer treatment and never coming back and leaving all her shit here for me to take care of. People got me through. My mental health took a nosedive. My physical health was imperceptible because my mental health knocked me down.
I was very lucky. I got help, a lot of help. I went into therapy a couple of times a week. There were weeks I was seen three times. My grief, crying, not eating, and not functioning was more than I had experienced in my life.
It turned out my grief was from not just her abandonment but from the very first abandonment–the family stuff, of course.
I am very lucky. It’s a solid year or more since this shit happened and I’ve been rising like a phoenix from the ashes.
However, my psychological improvement is inextricably tied to this revolution in my appearance.
The mental health improvement has been growing and life is improving. Time does its thing and, lo and behold, my chest is in an art show and YOU are reading this.
Life is beautiful and incredibly weird. Buckle up. Have fun. Make art.
This is the final chapter of a 4-part series sharing Allegra’s breast cancer journey and Aesthetic Flat Closure (AFC) experience this month, during Breast Cancer Survivors Month. We chose to highlight AFC this June and to share stories of people who have opted out of having reconstructive surgery with implants. Over many years we have found that doctors most often don’t talk about this or give women this option. We want to advocate for this choice.
photo by @t.vanparys
ALLEGRA
CONTRIBUTOR
Allegra is a Peabody Award winning documentary filmmaker and has traveled the world to see first-hand who people are, how they live and what we all want - to find peace. To be ourselves. Love is love.
Opinions expressed by the identified author in this blog post are their own and may not represent the views of the Keep A Breast Foundation or its management. Information found on the KAB website is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. You are advised to consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you are seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.
*”Womn” definition: Womn is the term I identify with because it feels right to me. I know it's not a "real" word but it's a real feeling and my streamlined way of expressing my gender.