How to Create a Non-Toxic Relationship with Yourself
Once again, love is in the air and stores are filled with red, pink and heart-shaped chocolates. Good ol’ Valentine’s Day.
HERE’S THE THING ABOUT V-DAY
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s the perfect time of year to ASSESS the RELATIONSHIP we have WITH OURSELVES.
Our relationship with ourselves is one of the most important ones we will ever have in our lives, but turns out that it’s also one of the most toxic relationships we will ever have. We tend to talk to ourselves in ways that we would never talk to our friends or family. Talking down to ourselves, like: “Wow I look ridiculous” Putting down the decisions we’ve made, like: “I can’t believe I’m such an idiot!” Looking in the mirror and thinking: “I wish I looked different..” or “I hate the way my ____ looks” Downplaying our dreams and saying things like: “I’m not skilled enough, I don’t think I could ever achieve that."
If our partner or friend talked to us like this, we would call it a toxic relationship, because that’s what it is.
Being in a toxic relationship with yourself can go beyond just engaging in constant negative self-talk, it can also mean you:
Ignore your health and personal wellness
Blame yourself for everything
Apologize to people when you’ve done nothing wrong (hey, hi, hello, this is me🙋🏼♀️)
Allow others to talk down to you, or ignore your boundaries
Negativity is infectious, and it can be so easy to start adopting some of these habits when we see or hear others talk about themselves in these ways. Many times it can seem like a joke like it’s funny to be hard on ourselves. But being hard on ourselves creates a pattern over time that leads to a full-blown negative relationship.
And we’re hardly all to blame for this. We get conditioned by the world, through social media, by our parents, and our peers. Women are especially trained in American culture to be apologetic and easy-going, never speaking up too loudly for themselves. Being taught to wear makeup and dress a certain way in order to be attractive can translate to a lot of harmful self-talk, like: “I can’t go out yet, I don’t have makeup on” or “I look like I’m dying, I need to go put makeup on" Take some time this V-day to reflect on yourself and how you want to be treated. Do you talk to yourself in a way that makes you feel valued?
If you’re not sure what a healthy relationship with yourself looks like, ask yourself what you are looking for in a dream partner or best friend. How would they treat you when you’re feeling down? How would they talk to you when you’re feeling unmotivated? What things would they think you're good at? What would they love about you? Making a list of things like this can be LIFE-CHANGING when it comes to redefining your relationship with yourself.
HOW TO TURN AROUND YOUR NEGATIVE SELF-RELATIONSHIP:
ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE MORE FUN: Let yourself have some fun, even for just 15 minutes. Do something out of your ordinary, like color in a coloring book, play a video game, listen to a fiction audiobook, create a colorful vision board, break out a board game with a few of your friends. Do ANYTHING that strikes you as fun, but you never really make the time to do.
SAY SORRY LESS: Catch yourself apologizing for random things that don’t really require an apology. Lately, I’ve noticed that when someone bumps into me at the store, I will say sorry even though I did nothing to be sorry about.
GIVE YOURSELF SPACE TO MESS UP: Allow yourself to fail and try again. Don’t give in to the societal norm of shaming yourself for making mistakes. Screwing up is a vital part of how we learn things (and eventually master them). Without practice and room to make mistakes, we will always be stuck in a toxic relationship with ourselves.
REMIND YOURSELF OF THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR: I know it can be cringey just reading this, “practice gratitude in order to be happy, blah blah blah...”But scientifically, it is true — once you start paying attention to what you do have, instead of what you lack, you start to rewire your brain to get happiness from what you have right now, instead of always focusing on what you wish you had.
MEDITATE: Great news: your mind can be re-trained! I know meditation can seem like something you have to “get good at” before you experience any benefits, but don’t worry, it’s the complete opposite. Meditation is simple: become aware of your thoughts, rather than being run by them. You sit down, get comfortable, and let yourself think. Notice what you think about, and every time you get “lost” in thought, simply bring your attention back to what you’re actually thinking about. The more you practice this, the better you become at being aware of your thoughts. This allows you to slowly take control of the thoughts that run your life. Rather than be run by your inner voice, you set the rules and run the show.
Getting out of a toxic relationship takes time. It takes realization, planning, and courageous action, but it is always worth it. Don’t be hard on yourself if you fall back into your old toxic habits — this is NORMAL.
Rather than beat up on yourself for falling back into your old ways, plan for this and lovingly accept that you’re bound to make mistakes along the way (hey hey, tip #3 coming full circle here). These habits are going to take some time to break, and that’s okay. You’ll get there.